Please Don't
by micah.n10
Summary: They know they're no good for each other, for the village, but... Konoha be damned. KakaIru. YAOI. Part 1 of 2.


_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I make any money from Naruto. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto._

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_**Summery:** They know they're no good for each other, for the village, but... Konoha be damned._

_This is PART 01 of a two part series. Part 02 is called Six years._

"Quotation marks..." means talking.  
_Italics means thinking._

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**Please Don't  
Angst. Romance. PG.**  
_kakashi x iruka_

_Not again. Please, not again…_

Both men stood, their silence palpable, the air suffocating. An open apartment door somehow mocking. Shimmering chocolate brown eyes stared blearily over a slender pale shoulder. His apartment complex was grey. Everything was grey, and beige, and empty. Iruka forced his eyes shut, willing unshed tears to keep away.

Kakashi fidgeted in the hallway, blatantly staring at his sandals, frowning. He couldn't bring himself to meet those dark orbs for fear the man was crying. He didn't want to know if he was, if he had caused it. He curled his fingers into a tight fist, wonder why his hands were so clammy, why his knees buckled with every attempt to speak.

They both knew what was coming because it kept happening.

It was simple, they were no good for each other. They had to stop… this, it, everything. It all had to end before people noticed the danger. Iruka had tried to end it last time, Kakashi before that. They took turns, like a game that was so wrong they didn't know what was right. Iruka had tried last time, so it was Kakashi's turn again.

He pulled his gaze from the ground to finally, finally stare into the eyes of his… of Iruka-sensei. Swallowing, he broke the silence.

"This isn't going to work, is it?" _Please, please don't answer Ruka-love._

"Not like this, no." _I can't do this. Not again._

"Maybe," Kakashi's eyes flickered for a moment. "Maybe one day we'll get it right?" _I will, I promise._

Iruka smiled, broken. "I don't know if I can wait that long, Kakashi-sensei." _Liar!_

"I can." _I'll never stop._

"Kakashi…" _Please stop. We have to do this. I can't do this._

"…" _I'll never stop trying._

Iruka fought the fine tremble coursing through his body.

He choked. "… How long?" _I'm not worth it._

" 'Til my last breath; 'til we make every mistake; 'til there's nothing left but us." _I wish there was more. You deserve more. I should let you go, I know I should, but I won't. I can't._

Iruka tried to laugh it off.

"Then I really can't wait that long," _Liar!_

"Am I so bad, Iruka-sensei?" _Yes. I know I am. You deserve better._

"The worst." Iruka sighed. _But I still…_

"I'll still be here. I'll always be here trying, and waiting." Kakashi's gaze fell back on his sandals. "I know I'm - I'm no good for you sensei. I'm a wreck of jounin eccentricities and ANBU instability. I may even be incapable of… And with what happened today, when I had a choice?" He turned his eye back upon the man before him. "There was no choice. There was only you. So we have to - we're a danger to everyone. I know. But it doesn't - I - I won't stop." _I can't give up on this, on us. Even if that means…_

Iruka's lips quirked into a small, sad smile.

"Possessive bastard." _My possessive bastard. Always mine. Please, always be mine._

"Only of you, sensei." Kakashi grinned. _Always you, sensei._

Smiles faltered.

Iruka glanced back into his apartment. "I have to go…" _I've got classes tomorrow. I won't make it through if we… We have to stop this. I have to stop this._

"Yeah, okay." _ Please, don't._

Iruka lingered a moment longer, hand bracing the doorframe for support, his bottom lip swollen red from uncertain gnawing. In the end, his eyes turned away before his feet. _Please don't let me go, Kakashi-love._

Kakashi threw a glance at the ceiling as though expecting answers, support, something.

_Oh screw it._ "Wait! I - uh - well…"

_Thank Kami._ "You won't let go, will you Kakashi-sensei?"

"Never." _Never, never, never, never…_

"Meet me here tomorrow after classes finish." Iruka's eyes shone brilliant with relief. "We'll have lunch." He paused, small playful smile tugging his lips. "Don't be late."

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Closing his door, Iruka collapsed against it, a barrier between him and his world. His eyes were screwed shut, unwilling to look at anything but the blinding darkness as small sobs racked his body. They weren't good for each other - they weren't safe for their village. He'd suspected, a nagging tickle at the nape of his neck. But today it had been proven. They'd each been forced to choose, and they'd both chosen wrong.

Iruka fell forward on his knees; elbows, hands and face flat against the linoleum. The enemy was dead, their secret safe. No one knew, no one had to know. But eventually, someone would. Someone would see the way they interacted, the way they lingered in contact and sight a little longer then necessary. Someone would discover their loyalties, redefined.

It couldn't last.

_But… _Iruka smiled. _Kami he's a stupid possessive jounin. My stupid possessive jounin. And damn you, but I can't remember any other way to be then yours._

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Kakashi's legs had given out before the transportation jutsu smoke even cleared. He stayed that way, sprawled on his back in his apartment, gasping for air. Hot liquid ran down his cheek, hitai-ate sodden, and he realized Obito was crying, fear filled. For once, he couldn't hate him for it. _Gods, we almost…_ Kakashi tore the mask from his face, sucking in the unobstructed air.

He knew it couldn't last. He knew they were no good for each other. He knew to have anything that even remotely resembled a normal shinobi relationship, he had to stop being the bastard. Iruka had to stop panicking. Death was inevitable and questioning orders could easily be seen as treason. If they wanted their relationship to work, they had to stop loving. Want, even compassion, was okay. But love was tearing them apart.

The village had to come first.

_But…_ Kakashi smiled. _I'll die without you. I need you, just you. I can't be their machine again. I won't. Tell me sensei, when did I become so irrevocably yours?_

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_We're no good for each other. But… _Mutual smiles widened. _Konoha be damned._

[part one, end]


End file.
